Karakura Game Shows Are A Bit Insane
by myanko92
Summary: "Aaaand now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for! Join us as a cast of hot heroes and a few villains compete for the hand of the beauteous Inoue Orihime!" Rated K for crack.


**Disclaimer: **I don't! own! anything! :)

* * *

Blinding spotlights and colored lights sweeping back and forth across a giant indoor stadium.

Men with big headphones manning huge television cameras on maneuverable booms.

An excited crowd of humans and the-not-quite-so waiting eagerly for the upcoming event.

Loud theme music playing while cameras pan across the room.

A raised, temporary, stage adorned with garlands,streamers, and vast banners printed with brightly colored text, proclaiming "_Live At Karakura Stadium: 'For The Princess', in "Karakura's Colorful Everyday Tales!""_

And on the stage, a gilded, ostentatious, oversized throne enshrining Inoue Orihime, smiling as brightly as the lights glinting off the sequins and diamonds in her fancily over-spangled, slavishly beribboned, lavishly frilled, and ridiculously sparkly princess dress and tiara.

'

"_On in five_," the floor director signaled. "_Four, three, two, one_—"

Fireworks exploded in the center of the stage, creating a giant dust cloud that was quickly swirled away by hidden fans to reveal the dandily and blingily dressed _**DON KANONJI**_, holding a mike in his left hand (pinky upraised), and pointing down (still managing to hold his ever present cane) with his right at the now wildly cheering crowd.

"Aaaaaand _**now**_, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of _**all**_ ages, shapes, colors, sizes, and denominations on the wide and glorious spectrum that is called life—or _Bleach_, if you prefer—sit up and prepare yourself for the _**heartstopping**_, the_**breathless**_, the most _**deeaaaadly**_ and life-threatening tournament of a lifetime for the winning of the most _**brilliant**_, the most_**beautiful**_, the most gentle and _**en**__**chant**__**ing**_ prize ever pursued in the course of my _loooong_ and _**fascinating**_ career as television host! _**I**_, the ever charming and heroic hero of the popular show "_Casual Soul Realm Assault Trip_", the cool _**Don Kanonji**_, will be your host for tonight's "_Karakura's Colorful Everyday Tales_".  
"_**Welcome**_, babieeeeeeees! Are you all doing well? Spirits leaving you alooo—**oof**!" A flying streak of black, white, and red ended by a fur hat launched itself across the stage and landed with both feet in the flamboyant TV host's kidneys, sending him flying into the wings.

"Don Kanonji!" came the cry from the crew in the wings, accompanied by a general crashing and sound of falling objects.

"I'm all right, babieeeees..." was the faint reply.

"Mou! You don't have to make such a big fuss over something like this! Hurry up and get on with it already!" The "streak", definitely a person and specifically a lady, huffed once in exasperation, and then turned to face the audience, one hand fisted on a hip and the other clutching a white megaphone.

"Anyway, tonight's event is '_For the Princess_', a contest for the fair hand of the cute and— no— sweet and— no, not that, either— brilliant and— no, not _that_ either…" A prompt card was inconspicuously brought in and displayed out of sight of the cameras. "—the charming and beautiful flower of Karakura, Inoue Orihime," she finished, bending forward and squinting as she read from the card. "And I, Dokugamine Riruka-sama, am the announcer and host." Smiling fetchingly, she threw a wink at the crowd.

Dead silence as they stared back at her.

A momentary sweatdrop slid down the back of her head before turning into a throbbing anger vein. "Hey! Give me some applause before I put you all in my doll house and then sneeze all over you!"

The crowd erupted in cheers.

She glared at them a moment longer before blushing, pleased in spite of herself. "Well, anyway," she continued in an embarrassed mutter, "I was chosen announcer for the rounds of this contest, when I don't really see why. After all, I don't even like her!"

"Do your best, Riruka-chan! You're amazing!" Orihime called from behind her. Riruka whirled, and Orihime gave her a bright smile and a quick little wave.

"I- I mean, i-it's my honor to a-anounce the rounds for this contest," Riruka stammered to the crowd, flushing even more. "D-don't do that! You're making me nervous!" she shouted back over her shoulder at Orihime, who only beamed more brightly in reply.

"Anyway, first up is the qualification round, where the contestants present their qualifications for even entering this contest! As Orihime is a princess in actual, mangaka-bestowed, and fan-given name, only those befitting her rank may apply! Now may the applicants step forward!"  
Spotlights—accompanied by drumroll—played on the red curtain backing the stage before it whisked open to reveal a line of varied males, all in their most famous outfit so that they would be easily recognized by the most uneducated member of the audience.

"Sado Yasutora, high school student! Ishida Uryuu, high school student! Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez, Sexta Espada! Ulquiorra Cifer, Cuatro Espada! And Kurosaki Ichigo, high school student! There seems to be a few others, but there's no more room on stage, so too bad for them!"

"Whaaat!? Heeeeyyy!" Keigo wailed from the audience, echoed by a shriek from Chizuru on the other side of the auditorium.  
"What?! That's not fair! I demand my rights and privileges as a true fan and—" Her outburst was promptly suppressed and the squirming bag carried out by a pair of burly bouncers.  
Another small, wildly struggling bag was escorted out of the middle row. The participants seated there had seen a lion plushie impossibly jumping up and down in outrage and yelling its denial, but after its suppression, hastily erased that illogical image from their minds.

"But I sent in the paperwork and everythinnnng!" Keigo continued to wail in despair. "You can't do this to me!" Another pair of bouncers pulled him from his seat and down the aisle, Keigo dripping tears all the way. "My hime…" his voice died away in the distance.

"We have no good excuses for their exclusion in this contest except that the candidates chosen were the most recognized and popular partners for Orihime," Riruka stated calmly. Then she blushed. "Plusthey'rethehottestguys."

She turned, all business now, and scrutinized the row of men standing stiff and straight before her: Chad, an uncomfortable expression on his face; Ishida, calm as ever; Grimmjow, lip curled slightly in annoyance; Ulquiorra, eyes closed in resigned emotionlessness; and Ichigo, rather embarrassed, but trying to hide it.

"You!" She pointed at the dark-skinned Mexican. "What're your qualifications?"

"Uh," he began, sweat beading on his face from the bright stage lights and the scrutiny of everyone in the room. "I don't— I wasn't— Somebody told me to stand in this line…"

"Here's his resume," hissed one of the TV crew from just off-screen. Riruka snatched it from his grasp and scanned it quickly, murmuring some of the contents out loud to herself.

"He has no name or title at all except maybe 'giant'!" she screeched, tossing the papers behind her. "He's just a commoner with a fancy name! Nothing personal, Sado, but we're looking for actual title here. You don't qualify."

"That's okay," he told her, shoulders relaxing with relief at being let off from the competition.

"Alright; next!" Grimmjow looked slowly up from her pointing finger to her face, and then smirked rather dismissively. At that, a quick anger vein popped out on the back of her head, but she forced a smile, upper lip and nose twitching in annoyance. "And what're _your_ qualifications?"

Grimmjow snorted. "Stupid woman." Another vein throbbed out on Riruka's head while his face lit up with a fierce grin. "I— _am the __**Sexta Espada! **_And I am _**KING**_ _OF_ _ALL HUECO MUNDO!"_ He started laughing maniacally. The auditorium lights hummed and buzzed from the rising pressure of his power, while a few screams came from the now-cowering crowd. The uproar just made him laugh harder, only to be interrupted by Ulquiorra's quiet remark.

"You never made it up that far."

"Plus you're a blue-haired cat," Ichigo put in with a smirk.

"I _ain't_ some freakin'_**cat**_! And I'll rip the guts outta anybody else who calls me that!" A nervous titter ran through the crowd as some of them looked at each other guiltily.

"Why is _he_ here?!" demanded Ichigo, abruptly changing the subject and pointing at Ulquiorra. "He doesn't have a title at all!"

"Cuatro Espada counts as a title," came the quiet retort.

"But it's _**four! **_Four means death! That's plain bad luck! And I _still_ say he doesn't have a title!"

"Uh, excuse me," Chad tried to interrupt, but nobody heard him over Ulquiorra and Ichigo's exchange.

"What about you? You're a _plain __high school student__." _Ulquiorra paused. "Trash."

"I'm not trash! I'm a knight!" Ichigo blustered back.

"That isn't good enough for a princess."

Ichigo froze for a second. "Uh— no! I- I just remembered! I'm a prince!" This statement was accompanied by slide illustrating the reference, projected onto the backdrop curtain for the benefit of the less-educated in the audience.

"That is irrelevant because she imagined it."

"But she's the princess, so it _should_ count."

"No, it doesn't." Another brief pause. "Trash."

"Would you stop calling me that!? And yeah, it does! Anyway, I'm still a knight."

"Uh—" Chad repeated, but he was ignored again.

"Sissy little 'knight' and 'caretaker'," Grimmjow muttered to himself. "Whipped, both of them."

"I am not 'whipped', as you call it," Ulquiorra told him, sounding almost offended. "I am merely stating fact." Grimmjow only snorted in response.

"Your arguing is all pointless," interrupted Uryuu, pushing his glasses further up his nose so that they gleamed in the stage lights. "It's clear that there is only one person who is worthy of Princess Orihime's hand, and that is myself."

"You!?" everybody on the stage (excepting Ulquiorra, who merely stared at him with an unbelieving non-expression on his face) exclaimed. "Why you?"

"You're just a plain high school student," Ichigo added.

Uryuu twitched at the insult, but otherwise kept his cool facade. "I," he said a little stiffly, "am the _Prinz von Licht._"

. . .

_Pfft!_

"I-it's true!" he stuttered in embarrassment, cheeks flushing as he defended himself. "And you: stop laughing!" he snapped at Ichigo, who was rolling on the floor in helpless laughter. "It's much better than your 'I'm a knight' speech. I was canonically given the title, while yours is one bestowed by the fans!"

"It still counts! After all, the fans are the true subjects of the Bleach 'kingdom'." He flashed the audience a cocky and charming grin that managed to look good even though he was still on the ground. A few girls squealed.

"Mangaka-bestowed counts for more."

Here Grimmjow started a rant about 'grabbing the prize through raw power', but the entirety of his tirade was censored for TV viewers. The audience in the auditorium, however, heard it all.

Which freaked not a few of them out.

As soon as it was over—and a furious Grimmjow with a duct-taped mouth was wrestled into submission—Riruka pulled her earplugs out of her ears and cleared her throat. "It looks like Ishida-kun is the one with the qualifications most befitting the Princess! Will all the other—"

"Waitwaitwaitwaitwait!" Ichigo shouted, quickly getting up off the floor. "I've got a qualification that'll trump them all!"

"Self-bestowed, character-imagined, or fan-bestowed titles don't count," Uryuu reminded him a bit smugly. Ichigo glared at him.

"Oh, it's real, all right." He straightened his shihakushou, cleared his throat, squared his shoulders, and managed to look both embarrassedly stiff and proud and the same time.

"I… am a god."

'

_Pfft!_

"W-would you put a sock in it!?" he hollered, blushing, at Uryuu and Grimmjow, who were still laughing uncontrollably. Ulquiorra hadn't reacted at all. "I _**am**_ one, mangaka-bestowed and everything! See!? Shini_**gami**_!?"

"Your being a death god is just as unlucky as my being the Cuatro Espada," Ulquiorra said almost resentfully.

"Yeah, but I'm still a god," Ichigo grinned. "And you're just an Espada."

"A _substitute_ god." Another pause. "And trash."

"Still a god! And would you stop calling me that!?"

"I rose _above _the gods to stand in the heavens," suddenly interrupted a deep, smooth voice, and Aizen appeared on the stage. Some girls—and a few guys—in the audience screamed (cheered) in delight. Others booed. A few tried to pick a fight, but were quickly suppressed.

"You weren't in the lineup of contestants, so you don't qualify!" Uryuu argued.

"And besides: you _**failed**_!" That line was said in unison with Ichigo, surprisingly.

"_**We**_ are the _**Soul King**_, reigning above the heavens and the puny "gods" that are the shinigami in Soul Society." This was said in an unearthly and echoing voice that reverberated in the ears and minds of everybody in the auditorium, and it was accompanied by a surge of power that shorted out the lights and knocked out most of the ordinary participants who'd unwisely decided to attend the event in person. It announced the arrival of the Soul King, a figure obscured by the aura of light that surrounded his august personage; his eyes the only clearly visible thing about him: dark pools of unending depth, with living stars shining inside.

"Y-you only showed up in one chapter, and you d-don't even have a p-personality," gasped Ichigo, crushed to the ground by the sheer power emanating from the figure. There was a brief pause.

"We resent that."

"_**We **_are the king of the Quincies, the father of their race, and their 'sleeping god'," rumbled a bass voice, and Ywach, resplendent in billowing white cape and crisp white trench coat, came on the scene. He chuckled. "You can't say _we_ don't have a personality."

"You're too old for the princess! I mean, come _on_! 1000 years!? And whaddya mean, you fathered the entire Quincy race!? That's weird!"

"Don't insult my ancestor! He's yours, too, by the way."

"Augh! That's even weirder!"

"Uh, excuse me. Since I don't qualify, may I go home?" Chad discreetly asked one of the TV crew standing on the side. Riruka turned to him in surprise from watching the quarrel between Ichigo and Uryuu. "Oh. You're still here?"

"I'll crush you, Aizen!" Grimmjow, who'd finally managed to get the tape off his mouth, yelled. Aizen's placid smile didn't falter.

Ichigo was still protesting the new contestants. "I still say god trumps them all. They're only kings!"

"But all in all, their combined title and power far outweighs yours," sighed Uryuu. "Face it, Kurosaki; you've lost."

"Me!? Say, 'we'! You're outranked, too!"

"Don't affiliate me with your incompetence."

"Why you—! I could take you _all_ down with my new power up!" He yanked the two Zangetsu out of their scabbards. "Whichhh— I don't know how to use yet. I can still take you down!"

Uryuu grinned tightly, and let the Quincy cross around his wrist drop into 'battle mode'. "Oh, you're on."

Spiritual pressure flared. Swords were drawn. Bows were formed. Opponents faced off in pairs of twosome or threesome (Grimmjow looked ready to take everybody on at once). Battles were about to begin, when they were interrupted by the clear, desperate voice of the almost-forgotten Inoue Orihime.

"Please, please stop! Fighting won't accomplish anything, and you'll just get hurt!"

All of the selected participants in the game show (as well as those who had showed up uninvited) stopped mid-power up and mid-clash to hurriedly compose themselves into a more or less tidy line again, a few of them scuffing shamefacedly at the floor. Surprisingly, even Grimmjow backed down with only a muttered curse.  
Orihime surveyed them all from her throne for a worried moment, and then smiled when she saw that none of them had been hurt and that all was now well.

"Riruka-san, now that you've heard all their qualifications, could you make a decision for this round, please?" she asked. Riruka, who had fled for cover in the throne itself, now stepped out of it, straightened her cap, and brushed off her dress.

"Alright," she proclaimed, proceeding it with a small cough, "because you _all_ have such great qualifications, you _all_ pass the first round! Except for you, Sado, you can go home now." Chad nodded in gratitude, glad to be _finally_ released from all the craziness.

The crowd cheered as they were supposed to, as well as in relief that there would be no bloodshed and thus no resultant injuries for themselves, the onlookers. Those on the stage had a little more mixed reactions.

"Che," from Grimmjow.

No reaction from Ulquiorra, but he might have looked a little pleased.

"Alright! I knew I'd pass!" Ichigo whooped.

"Then you didn't have to try so hard to put the other contestants down."

"Don't be such a stick in the mud, Ishida."

The other, more eminent participants stayed calm, as befitted their titles and status. Aizen, though, had a self-satisfied smile on his face.

"And now for the final round!" Riruka shouted over the hullabaloo.

"Whoa. That was fast," Ichigo said in surprise.

"Only two?" Uryuu echoed.

Grimmjow snorted. "Hnh, too easy. And I was looking to fight Kurosaki…"

"This is the _final_ challenge, the one that will really try your skills and show your guts. Maybe literally." At her words, the lineup on the stage began to feel edgy, and they instinctively drew closer together, dropping into defensive postures with hands on weapons, looking up and around themselves with tense faces as the lights and background music seemed to grow ominous and threatening.

"Because you know what faces the hero when he seeks the princess's hand?"

'

_**BOOM!**_

_'_

The floor and stage shuddered with the shock of—whatever it was—that had hit the stadium, and those in the auditorium heard the roaring of a great beast. The floor shook again, and the roof was torn open, stone and steel beams flying and sections of roof falling into the seats below. Dust and smoke poured everywhere, and, amid the screams of the fleeing audience, those on stage looked up into the suddenly open sky to see a monstrous and awe-inspiring creature soaring above them, spouting fire as it hovered on great wings.

"A dragon!"

'

The beast laughed and then spoke in a huge voice that vibrated throughout their bones, and the sound of that laugh and that voice was strangely familiar.

'

_**"Yeah, that's right, a dragon! You'll never have Orihime now!"**_

'

"Tatsuki?!"

.

.

_Owari~_

* * *

**_A/N:_** _Written Summer (?) 2013, which is why Ichigo didn't know how to use his new swords. I wanted to post this before he learned how, but I took too long. ^^; Oh well.  
__A few cultural notes: In Japanese, 'four' sounds very much like the word for 'death' (it's basically the same, actually). So it's not a lucky number.  
"Shinigami" is, literally translated, "death god". That's the basis of Ichigo's claim to be a god.  
"Che" is kind of like "tch" for Japanese, but it's a little bit more forceful; almost like a cut-off curse. It conveys irritation or annoyance._

_Yay! My first (published) crack fanfic! It took a long time, but I learned a lot! I really, really admire those who write comedy. They're really amazing!_

_Thank you all for reading! If you have any comments, critiques, or thoughts, I'd love to hear from you! :)_


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